I am not a beach person. Well, maybe I would go to this beach. But, in general, I don’t see everyone’s fascination with the beach. Here is a typical trip to the beach: First you have to slather sunscreen all over yourself lest you get burned. And, if you get burned, there goes your next 3 days. Then you sit on an uncomfortable chair trying to read while annoying little kids scream and throw footballs over and around you. Then you go in the water where if a kid’s not peeing he’s splashing or swimming into you. Good times had by all!
And now, going in the ocean is even more risky as this article tells us, “It’s no secret that jellyfish have slowly, but steadily, begun taking over the oceans in recent years.” Ahhhh! What do they mean it’s no secret? Nobody told me the jellyfish are taking over the oceans! Did the jellyfish call? Did they leave a ransom note? Do we think the coast guard is in on this? Damn those hostile jellyfish.
Want an example? Well, “The Japanese had a harrowing experience in the summer of 2005 when almost 500 million jellyfish—each weighing around 450 pounds—took up residence in the Sea of Japan on a daily basis.” A ton of organisms each weighing 450 pounds crowding around the same area? Sounds like tailgates of a Packers game to me. This reminds me of an old joke – Where does a 450lb jellyfish sleep? ANYWHERE IT WANTS! Mwahaha.
But even if we see a jellyfish, we’re safe, right? Wrong! “1 microsecond is the time it takes a jellyfish stinger to hit its target. The discharge of the jellyfish’s stinger is among the fastest movements in nature.” Yes, even faster than a Jewish mother spreading gossip. All hail our new jellyfish overlords.
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This story is Good News for:
1. R Kelly – With all the excessive jellyfish stings, he might actually now have a good reason to pee on someone.
2. People Who Hate the Ocean – We tried to warn you nothing good comes from going in the water!
Anyone else for whom this is Good News? Leave it in comments and I’ll add it to the poll.