Most people, when asked a hypothetical question, such as “Would you rather get clawed to death by a Giant Panda who thinks you attacked their child or get clawed to death by a mountain lion who thinks you’re dinner?”, respond by simply punching the person who asked the question. Afterall, nobody likes hypothetical questions. By the way, the answer is clawed to death by the mountain lion, that makes a much cooler story for people to tell at your funeral.
But, somehow, a company was able to get enough people to answer a hypothetical question to be a statistically relevent survey, “The study asked more than 2,000 adults what they would rather give up for a period of two weeks, the Internet or sex.” Ohh, that’s a tough one. The results, “48 percent of women and 30 percent of men prefer the Internet to sex, according to a new study by Intel Corp.” The survey results are slightly skewed, however, because most of the men assumed that this meant somebody would actually be sleeping with them both before and after the two week period. Also, a small percentage of really lonely men were confused that they were not the same thing.
The survey also found these results, “65 percent of adults said they cannot live without Internet access.” This is only slightly higher then the 60% of people who said they cannot live without food. That’s right, the Internet is now a matter of life and death, people. You just thought it was a nice little thing to have access to, you thought wrong. Do you realize there are kids in Africa with no Internet access? No wonder they have the highest fatality rate in the world! Forget getting them food and clean water, they need the Internet!
This story is Good News for:
1. Murderers – You want to take someone out these days, you don’t need a gun or huge knife, just a pair of scissors to cut their Internet access.
2. Internet Providers – Anytime you’re providing a service that can compete with people for sex, you’re doing something right.
Anyone else for whom it’s Good News? Leave it in the Comments and I’ll add it to the poll.