Posted by: itstails | December 15, 2008

America. F*&% Yeah.

What does America mean to you?  Many would say America means freedom or liberty or the idea that all men are created equal.  America can have so many different meanings to so many different people.  But one thing Americans will not tolerate America standing for is intelligence.  Not on our watch.  We leave that to the Asians.

Further proof of that is “a full 37 percent of American citizens are incapable of identifying their home country on a map of the United States.”  So, just to get this straight, so there’s no confusion that maybe American’s aren’t completely moronic, these citizens were not asked to identify the United States on a map of the world or even of the Western Hemisphere – no, no, they couldn’t identify the United States on a map of the United States.  It was the map shown above.  Complete with a Legend that pretty much spells it out.  Excuse me while I go jump off the nearest large building.

When respondents incorrectly placed America on the map they were then asked what the big blue land mass shown was, “That thing definitely looked familiar,” said autoworker and father of three Ed McConnell. “And my gut told me there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there. So I had to go with Iraq.”  You’ve got quite the gut instincts there Ed.  When shown a map of America, labeled as America, your gut told you there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there.  That gut instinct of yours is really something special!  Now if only your logic worked that well.

When asked if she thought it was important to know where America is, Shirley Matheson, a part-time Arby’s employee said, “I live in the U.S.A., so why would I need to know where America is? Or the United States for that matter?”  You know, Shirley, when I was a young boy growing up in the U.S.A it was always my dream to visit America or even the United States.  Every summer I begged and begged my parents to please take us out of the U.S.A and into this America or United States I had heard so much about.  But, to no avail.  The closest we got was Jersey.

When asked the capital of the United States, the top four answers were “‘Minneapolis-St. Paul,’ ‘Mount Rushmore,’ ‘America City,’ and ‘Whitewater.'”  Minneapolis-St. Paul?  Are you kidding me?  Any of those other three would definitely become the capital before Minneapoli-St. Paul would.  And two of them don’t even exist.  But, Washington DC did come in 5th in the polling!  Which, hey, is not so bad when you consider that technically there is an infinite amount of answers to that question.

This story is Good News for:

1. Every Other Country – Well, there goes Amerca’s hegemony.  We had a good run.

2. Anyone Who Can Located America on a Map – Congratulations, that one fact makes you smarter than over 1/3 of the population.

Any other ideas for whom it’s Good News? You and I both know you want to vote in the poll. 

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