Posted by: itstails | December 12, 2008

If It’s Too Loud, You’re Too Terroristy

Guantanamo Bay

I’ll never understand the rules that determine what constitutes torture in this country.  Electrocution?  Torture.  Caning?  Torture.  Whipping?  Torture, unless you paid for it.  Waterboarding?  Maybe torture.  Having to root for the Detroit Lions?  Not torture.  That just doesn’t seem fair.   

Well, now another torture method is coming under fire.  The headline of this article is, “Musicians don’t want tunes used for torture.”  To which I think the obvious response should be, “Then stop making shitty music.”  Look, sometime shackling a someone to a toilet and repeatedly bashing their head against the seat just doesn’t send the same message as them having to listen to Creed for 24 straight hours.  I know, given a choice between the two I would go ahead and shackle myself. 

This method seems to be effective as, after being subject to loud, pounding music 20 hours a day, “military contractor Donald Vance of Chicago, told The Associated Press he was soon suicidal,” and “men held with him at the CIA’s “Dark Prison” in Afghanistan wound up screaming and smashing their heads against walls, unable to endure more.”  Alright, I know Puddle of Mudd is terrible, but this seems a little extreme.  Although, the phenomenon of mosh-pits make a lot more sense now.

One prisoner reported, “There was loud music, (Eminem’s) ‘Slim Shady’ and Dr. Dre for 20 days. I heard this nonstop over and over.”  That sounds like your average suburban white kid’s life too.  Who knew they had so much in common.

This story is Good News for:

1. Terrorists Who Love Shitty Music – If you love terrorism, and Nickelback, you couldn’t be happier with this story. 

2. Bands Not Being Used As Torture – Are you in a band?  Check the list of bands used for torture and if you’re band’s name’s not on it then congratulations!  Your band is just not shitty enough to be used to drive people insane.

3. Shitty Musicians – Your band not making a name for itself?  Those long practice sessions aren’t resulting in any gigs?  Maybe writing songs to be used as a torture method is more your speed.

Come on in, leave your own joke about the article, let’s get to know one another.

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