Posted by: itstails | December 18, 2008

Where the F$%* is My Prince Charming?

four weddings and a funeral

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t like romantic comedies.  I can’t blame you.  But you probably don’t like them for the same old reasons.  Nothing is blown up, the annoying girl in the movie ends up happily ever after rather than stabbed to death by a psychopath, everyone has the same plot line and jokes, and your girlfriend ends up in tears while you have to keep reminding her it’s just a movie.

But now, guys have a new reason to hate romantic comedies a study says, “Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.”  Unrealistic?  What?  You mean guys won’t really give up everything else going on in their lives, spend all their life savings, delay a plane with some crazy antics, and then run across a busy highway just at the possibility of having dinner with a girl he met in a bookstore who likes the same band as him?!  Tell me it’s not true!!!!

Some of the movies studied include, “Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner…”  Oh, damn you Jennifer Lopez and your unrealistic portrayal of true love!  In my mind you’ll always be with Ben Affleck!

For part of the study, “100 student volunteers were asked to watch the 2001 romantic comedy Serendipity, while a further 100 watched a David Lynch drama. Students watching the romantic film were later found to be more likely to believe in fate and destiny.”  However, they later clarified that this might not be statistically relevent since only 4 people actually stayed awake throughout Serendipity.

If you liked this, you may enjoy Internet? Yes, Please.

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

Afternoon Review

We hope all of you who stopped by today continue to come back and visit us.  We don’t bite.  We’re always making fun of something here and invite you to join us.  Also, feel free to subscribe to our RSS feed to be alerted whenever we’ve updated with a new, slightly humorous post.

Hope you enjoyed today’s posts, we’ll try to do better tomorrow.  Rest up tonight, tomorrow’s Thursday, the week’s almost over.  All hail our jellyfish overlords!

What we covered today:

Excuse Me, Is This Train Going North?

Oh, The Places You’ll Go

Oh, No He Di’in’t

No, Officer, I Just Have a Cough…ahem, ahem

Drunk Stroller Driver Makes a Wrong Left Turn


Also, we’re thinking about scrapping the polls – any thoughts/comments on this, do share.

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

Excuse Me, Is This Train Going North?

It’s hard to think and act under pressure.  And you never know how you react to pressure until you actually go through it.  Like, for instance, last weekend I found out that when someone at a bar challenges me to a fight my reaction to that pressure filled situation is to wet myself.  I’m not proud of it, but at least the guy was too grossed out to kill me.

But I think even I reacted to pressure better than this “Lake Forest woman who died from injuries suffered when her car was struck by a freight train in Anaheim (who) dialed 911 to report her predicament.”So, this woman was stuck in her car on train tracks, with a train barreling down on her and her first reaction was to call 911?!  That’s like being caught in a burning building and calling 911, Excuse me, 911 – I’m in a building and wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing caught on fire.  Get out!  Run out of the building fast!  You know, that is just a great idea sir, I probably should get ou…ahhhh.  

So what did the dispatcher who recieved the call say, “(she) was urged by a dispatcher to get out of the car.”  I wonder if the last thought to go through her mind was, You know, that’s a great idea!  I think people are becoming a little to reliant on cell phones these days.  You mean my cell phone can call someone in China, take a picture of a celebrity, play music, but it can’t get me out of my car when a train’s about to hit it!  Then what is this $30/month going towards?!

If you liked this post, check out Looking to Expand Your Brain?

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

Oh, The Places You’ll Go

streets ahead

A lot of my fears are irrational, I know that.  Like my crippling fear that Lawrence Taylor is hiding behind my curtains waiting to attack.  But one of my fears, fear of a nuclear war, is completely warranted.  We have the technology and certain people are just crazy enough to start one.  So, this causes me to stay awake a little bit longer some nights thinking about it.

But my fear pales in comparison to Britains fear of a nuclear winter, who built in the 1950’s “a nuclear fall out bunker, hidden in the most unlikely place, the Wiltshire countryside.   Normally associated with chocolate box houses and English rose gardens, rather than the last bastion of the British Government, the sleepy shire is the now not-so-secret location of a huge underground city complex.”  How did this remain secret?  How poor are the Wiltshire citizen’s hearing?  Excuse me, fair chap, do you happen to hear a loud noise?  Hmm, a little bit…someone probably dropped a chocolate box!  No, it kind of sounds like a large group of people building an entire underground city below us in case of nucl…no, you’re right, someone probably dropped a chocolate box!

How big was this place?  “the immense city was set to be the seat of the emergency Government during the war; should nukes be involved. Created to house the Prime Minister, the entire Cabinet Office, civil servants and support staff, the hidden city could accommodate up to 4,000 personnel, but, unfortunately, not their families.”  I’m sure this wouldn’t have caused some awkward exchanges had an attack occured.  Where are you off to Harold?  Uh, I’m just heading out for a bit.  But the nuclear war just started, don’t you want to spend your last minutes with your loving and caring family!?  Yeah, yeah, of course I do..I, uh, I’m just gonna get some fresh air first, bye!

Let’s learn more, “Burlington covers 240 acres and has a network of around 60 miles of roads…It even has its own railway station and pub.”  Because you know the first thing people are going to want to do after everyone they know has been killed in a nuclear war is get plastered!  It sucks our families all died in that nuclear war.  Yeah.  You know what we should do?  Go to a bar and get our drink on?!  You read my mind!  Maybe there’ll be some girls there this time!

If you liked this post, try out And, She Doesn’t Get Upset if you Cheat on Her.

This story is Good News for:

1. History Buffs – Guess what history buffs, you’ve got a whole new site to salivate over and learn everything about all to show off during an impassioned game of Trivial Pursuit.  Don’t worry, you’re not wasting your time!

2. Wiltshire Citizens – Congratulations, you’re not just known for chocolate boxes and Rose Gardens anymore!

Good News for anyone else?  Leave it in comments.

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

Oh, No He Di’in’t

I would definitely be angry if my girlfriend cheated on me.  I would be extremely upset.  Unless, however, it turned out she cheated on me with a male model or professional athlete.  Because then, hey, I’m getting the same caliber girl as male models and professional athletes?  That’s the best news I would hear all year!

Here’s an article about probabbly the worst man (note: not pictured above, that’s just a random guy from Google Images- sorry whoever you are!) and weirdest couple you’ll read about all day, let’s see if we can spot where this article turns weird.  Let’s start from the top, “Police are seeking an arrest warrant for a man” Ok, so far so good.  I’m sure police are seeking an arrest warrant for lots of guys, let’s keep going…”accused of hitting his wife”  Ok, nobody likes a wife beater, but still, nothing weird or new here, let’s keep going…”after she asked to smell his penis to determine whether he was cheating with another woman.”  Ok, found it!  I found where it got really weird!  Now, I’m no relationship expert, but the last thing I would do to figure out if my significant other is cheating is ask to smell their genitals.  Couldn’t she just check his text messages or email or call the show Cheaters like everyone else?

And, another sentence you didn’t think you’d read today, “As she went to sniff her husband’s penis, he reportedly punched her mouth.  The husband then fled the scene.”  No word on whether or not he yelled, “Smell This!” as he punched her.  But I have a hunch he’s guilty!

If you liked this distressing story, you may enjoy It Was Like That When I Got Here. 

This is Good News for:

1. Somewhat Sane People – Whoohoo, we’re not either of these two whackos!

2. Suspicious Spouses – Hey, now you have a new method to determine whether or not your spouse is cheating!

Anyone else for whom it’s Good News?


Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

No, Officer, I Just Have a Cough…ahem, ahem

Let’s say you walk into a child’s room and saw the big bowl pictured above on their counter.  What would you think?  Maybe, boy this child sure must get a lot of sore throats.  Or, maybe, I wonder if one of their parents works for Halls?  Or, if you’re one teacher from Clay County you might think, We’ve hit the mother-load, Lock Them Up!

Yes, “A Clay County father said he wants answers after his 9 year old daughter (Khalin) and two other kids at her elementary school were accused of selling drugs and facing possible punishment all over some Vitamin C drops.”  These F$*#ing hippies are starting younger and younger these days.  I didn’t even know that Vitamin C drops were drugs!  And here I’ve been wasting my time trying to find pot all the time when I’ve had Vitamin C drops sitting in my drawer for months.

So, how did it go down?  “She saw me with the cough drops out and I guess she saw me give it to one of my friends, and then like, ‘Oh, I see this good business going on around you,'” Khalin said. “She said, ‘You’re selling drugs.’ (I said) ‘No I’m not.'”  So, this teacher sees a girl handing out cough drops and she doesn’t say like, “What’s going on here?” or anything remotely normal, instead she sees a student hand another student a cough drop and goes, “Oh, I see this good business going on around you,” like she just caught Al Capone selling moonshine during prohibition.  It sounds like the teacher was more jealous than anything, Hey Kid, don’t you know all cough drops around here go through me?!

The little girl was just giving out cough drops to classmates, but wait, when you read on you learn, “Khalin said two of her friends at school asked her for cough drops and she gave them out, but the friends, she said, insisted on giving her a dollar in exchange for the drops.”  Ohhh, the plot thickens.  Who are you working for Khalin?  Who’s your Vitamin C dealer?  Is it CVS?  I know it’s CVS, Khalin!  I’ve never trusted them!  And $1 a cough drop, I’m definitely going through my cabinet tonight.

If you liked this story, check out Let’s Start Encouraging Reading Again.

This story is Good News for:

1. CVS – Oh, your profits will triple from kids selling cough drops now, you scoundrels.

2. Me – I’ve got so many cough drops and a couple of connections to kids.  Maybe I’ll quit my job today.

Anyone else it’s good news for?  Leave it in comments below & I’ll poll it.

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008

Drunk Stroller Driver Makes a Wrong Left Turn

Rice family

Some things about drunk driving never made sense to me.  Mostly, the signs on roads that say ‘DUI Enforcement Area’ – because, really, shouldn’t everywhere be a DUI Enforcement Area?  And, if not, then why put up the signs?  Do they just want drunk drivers to take a different route home?  Bill, I need a ride home from the bar.  No can do, sorry.  Oh, because you’re drunk.  Haha, not because I’m completely plastered, but because your street is a DUI Enforcement area.  Hahaha.

But now, a new type of drunk driving has arisen, “two large glasses of wine later, it ended ignominiously for Allison Reay when she was arrested for being drunk in charge of a child. The 40-year-old stumbled on stairs as she was pushing her daughter’s friend Vienna Wood in a buggy (stroller).  The three-year-old girl hit the pavement headfirst, bruising her face.”  Now, it’s one thing to drunk drive – that’s just some harmless fun – but these cops and reporters should really be spending their time on parents who have 2 glasses of wine with dinner then stumble down a dark stairwell causing a friend’s child to scrape their face.  LOCK HER UP!

So, how did the other mother respond?  She’d obviously be upset so she probably expressed her dissapointment in a private setti…oh, “She shouted at me outside the school in front of other parents. It was so embarrassing.”  You stay classy! 

I mean, the daughter only just got bruised, she shouldn’t be so overdrama…oh, there’s more?  “She added that her daughter is now frightened of stairs.”  Nooooooo!  How is this poor girl ever going to get over her fear of stairs!  How will she ever climb to the top of a lighthouse or get to the fiction section of a Barnes and Noble?  Noooooo!

If you enjoyed this post, check out You Can’t Even Hide From Bullies Online Now.

This story is Good News for:

1. Drunk Parents – Hey, now nobody is ever going to ask you to watch their kids again.

2. Psychiatrists – Something tells me the little girl in the story is going to be spending a lot of money with you guys soon!

Come on in, sit indian style and leave a joke or two.  Or anyone else for whom this story is Good News?  Leave it in comments and I’ll add it to poll. 

Posted by: itstails | December 17, 2008


jellyfish swarm

I am not a beach person.  Well, maybe I would go to this beach.  But, in general, I don’t see everyone’s fascination with the beach.  Here is a typical trip to the beach:  First you have to slather sunscreen all over yourself lest you get burned.  And, if you get burned, there goes your next 3 days.  Then you sit on an uncomfortable chair trying to read while annoying little kids scream and throw footballs over and around you.  Then you go in the water where if a kid’s not peeing he’s splashing or swimming into you.  Good times had by all!

And now, going in the ocean is even more risky as this article tells us, “It’s no secret that jellyfish have slowly, but steadily, begun taking over the oceans in recent years.”  Ahhhh!  What do they mean it’s no secret?  Nobody told me the jellyfish are taking over the oceans!  Did the jellyfish call?  Did they leave a ransom note?  Do we think the coast guard is in on this?  Damn those hostile jellyfish.

Want an example?  Well, “The Japanese had a harrowing experience in the summer of 2005 when almost 500 million jellyfish—each weighing around 450 pounds—took up residence in the Sea of Japan on a daily basis.”  A ton of organisms each weighing 450 pounds crowding around the same area?  Sounds like tailgates of a Packers game to me.  This reminds me of an old joke – Where does a 450lb jellyfish sleep?  ANYWHERE IT WANTS! Mwahaha.

But even if we see a jellyfish, we’re safe, right?  Wrong!  “1 microsecond is the time it takes a jellyfish stinger to hit its target. The discharge of the jellyfish’s stinger is among the fastest movements in nature.”  Yes, even faster than a Jewish mother spreading gossip.  All hail our new jellyfish overlords.

If you liked this post, you may also like Flipper Approves.

This story is Good News for:

1. R Kelly – With all the excessive jellyfish stings, he might actually now have a good reason to pee on someone.

2. People Who Hate the Ocean – We tried to warn you nothing good comes from going in the water!

Anyone else for whom this is Good News?  Leave it in comments and I’ll add it to the poll.

Posted by: itstails | December 16, 2008

Afternoon Review

Ok, reviewers, almost done the work day.  Thanks for your dedication and we’ll see you back here tomorrow morning.  Bright and early.  Remember, we want to create a nice little community of people with the same sense of humor as us – so feel free to leave a snarky joke or two as you see fit.

Today’s stories:

Forget a Crib, Get That Toddler Some Cleats

That’s Why They Call Money, Money

Gay Penguins, Crime, Passion, Family, Zoo Keepers, What More Could You Want?

Go Caroline, It’s Ya Birthday

Internet? Yes, Please

A Bird in the Hand…

Posted by: itstails | December 16, 2008

A Bird in the Hand…

Look at this building above, my friends.  Do you know what you’re looking at?  Not the specific building, but the general idea?  You, like most people, would probably say you’re looking at a spectacular, beautiful, environmentally friendly, glass building that is the future of architecture.  You would go on and on, do you ever shut up?!, about how green and glass architecture is so good for the planet.  But, my friends, you’d be wrong.  Dead Wrong.

What you are really looking at is a verified bird killing machine as architects have noticed, “glass siding and atriums, common features of green architecture, carry an unintended side-effect: a mortal danger to birds.”  That’s right, not an implied danger or small danger, but a mortal danger.  You think that building was built to house offices or sporting events or whatever goes on onside that random building I pulled from Google Images?  Now we know the truth, that building was built with one intention only: to kill birds.

Now, here’s something you didn’ t know this morning, “about a billion birds die each year by crashing into buildings they cannot see.”  Oh, you stupid birds!  If only Darwin were still alive, he’d be so proud.  But can we really trust this data, who said that quote?  Well, it’s “according to Daniel Klem, an ornithologist at Muhlenberg College in Pennsylvania who has studied bird collisions for more than 30 years.”  30 years?!  He’s studied bird collisions for 30 f$#5ing years?!  He is one masochostic motherf$#5er.  And how much information could really go into studying bird collisions?  I mean, they fly into glass buildings.  That’s it.  That’s all there is to it.

We now have found the greatest catch 22 of all time as the “two properties of glass that make it so appealing – the way it reflects light and allows us to see through it – are the very reason that birds crash into it.”  Dun…Dun…Dun.  What will you do green architects?  What will you do?  Grab your popcorn, fight fans, I see a showdown between environmentalists and animal rights activists.

This story is Good News for:

1. Cats – That’s right stray cats, there’s one billion birds already dead waiting for you to come eat them.

2. My Sister – And everyone else who was freaked out by the movie The Birds and is now scared to death of birds and refuses to go near them.

Anyone else it’s good news for?  Leave it in the comments and I’ll add it to the poll.  Now put your hand on my hip and when I vote, you vote.

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